Pride

I've got a pride as high as the walls of my heart

Beating the grandness of the great wall of China

Surpassing the historic walls of Intramuros

They say you can't eat your pride

It is only because it swallows you instead

Leaving you dried up like a barren land

under the scorching heat of the sun

Pride doesn't make you invulnerable

It cripples you

Love

Love transcends it all.

I guess love transcends time, emotions and circumstances

It makes you forget how much has passed and makes you remember every single encounter in the past.
It can make you feel all things at once but may also leave you unfeeling and alone.
It keeps you going up to the last battle, but may also create your own.

You find patience when there's none.
You forgive without explanations.
You seek to do everything, even the ones you can't.

All in the name of love.

To you, too.

I've been waiting for a male's response for my mail,
He's so dear, I'm worried he became a deer,
wandering the world, wondering his true purpose.

It's alright to wait, but the burden's weight is too much.
The rain's pouring and I have to tighten my heart's rein.
I pray that he won't leave another love's prey.

I'm not poor but more that ready to pour,
the love that leaves no hole and given whole.
Loving isn't fair and I willingly offer my fare.

Is it too much to be my knight in the night?
The one I'll marry to be merry?
My rose in life's rows of challenges?

It's sad that you're the one whose heart's not won
Not even agreeing to loan it to a lone girl
Now I'm so weak, leaving me broken for weeks.

whether the cold weather's gonna stay,
one day, someone will steal this heart of steel
Who'll woo me at my tail, and begin another tale.

We'll soar until we're sore
He'll be that piece that gives my heart peace.
The sole being that fits my soul.

--

Hahaha. I've been thinking of this the other night. I know it sucks, but waaah I did it somehow. :D

A bucket full of change

Change is just one of the sea of words in the dictionary that we may find,
as it's also one of the things that happen in our lives.

There are times when we unconsciously feel it,
just like how the earth revolves and rotates around the sun.

Or it may have a flashing impact to us such as physical pain,
or dying of hair,
applying perfume,
listening to a playlist,
touching surfaces,
eating different kinds of foods

It connects to every aspect of our lives.

Just like emotions -- from being happy to melancholic.
Financial status -- from being poor to the one of the riches.
Weather -- from sunny to rainy or stormy
Looks -- simple, gothic, ragged,

Or whatever.

My point? We can't avoid change. It's everywhere.
We may loathe it or loathe it, but it's forever there.

Stuck

Where in the world can you find the will to keep on?

Is it under the rugs of your house's entrance,
like where you'd keep its key?

Is it in every waking moment,
waiting for the right time to see it?

Is it playing hide and seek with me
that's why I can't see it?

Can I find it in every procrastinating feels?
In every hunger,  every tiredness that I'm feeling?

Can I find it in faith, or the loss of it?

Where? Because I'm dying and losing my wits,
perhaps, transforming into another robot..

Waking into a routine,
never coming back..

stuck in the harshness of reality..
with no one to lend a helping hand.

Fragments

Doesn't like staying, but isn't willing to leave.

All at once, then none in a second.

In just a bat of an eyelash,
In a snap of a finger,

All disappears, like it never existed.

Tired but not exhausted.
Hopeless but not weary.

Wanted to shout but can't.
Wanted to express but suppressed
Wanted to leave but chained.

I f I c a n o n l y s a y w h a t  m y  h e a r t y e a r n s t o s a y

I t ' s l i k e w o r d s w e r e h e l d u p i n a j a i l

T r a p p e d , s e r v i n g t h e p u n i s h m e n t o f w a n t i n g t o b e f r e e

Paulit ulit.

Gusto kong umiyak ng umiyak hanggang sa magsawa ako.
Gusto kong makatulog sa kakaiyak,
dala dala ang bigat ng damdaming hindi ko man lang maibahagi.

Gusto kong paulit ulit isipin ang mgabagay na hindi ko kayang gawin.
Kahit masakit, kahit paulit ulit niyang dinudurog ang puso ko,
sa mga pagkakataong hindi ko magawang gawin ang tama, ang dapat.

Gusto kong maging patas, sa lahat ng ginagawa ko para sa tao.
Gusto kong maglaan ng oras sa mga taong karapat dapat na
ibinabahagi nito,

Gusto kong gawing simple ang bawat bagay.
Alam kong kaya ko.. ngunit hindi ko alam kung papaano.

Sana, applicable sa lahat ang 'just do it'.
Walang pag-aalinlangan, walang pag-iisip.
Simple. Walang problema.

Bakit hindi ko maialis sa sarili ko ang salitang komplikado?
Bakit ba patuloy kong pinapakiramdaman ang emosyon ko?

Hindi na ba ako natuto?

Nakakapagood.

Sana kayang maibsan ng bawat pag-iyak, nabawat tulo ng luha eh,
sinasama at pinapakawalan na rin ng katawan mo ang mga bagay na
bumabagabag at nagpapalungkot sa'yo.

*sigh*

Holding

It's sad when you'd rather hide what you feel than express it.
What's holding you back?

Pride?

What if time holds out the chance out of your grasp?
Can you even live with your pride?

Empty

What will you do when someone hands you an empty word?
Can you even hold it, when you know it's empty?

What if you're waiting for something that will never come?
How can you waste time and energy for it?

*sigh*

Find solace on songs you don't even understand.
Listen to the melody that only fades as it passes.

Full.

A bloated stomach.

A clouded mind.

Two heavy eyes.

One tired body.

How I wish I can say stop.

To command things in a snap.

But I can't.

I can't.

You can control your thoughts.

Perhaps your emotions.

But never the circumstances,

the situation, the environment.

The deepest sorrows

Do you know where you can find the deepest sorrows?

It is between the lines, where the words are left unsaid.
It is where you hear silence, in the sea of unnecessary banters.
It is found behind every curve of the lips, trying to give a smile.

It kills never having to wholly feel it, yet you feel it.

Caged. Trying to escape.
But it can't. It won't.

Wanting space

Cause when you want space, it means you're suffocated.

You demand for space because you:

Want to be understood.
Want to be free.
Want to be separated.

Like how you understand each and every word you utter, you write.. because you put space between them.
Like how you can feel that the world does not owe you anything.. floating freely in the galaxies.
Like how two people felt that they've been so close and just want to get away.

*sigh*

What if in the middle of demanding and wanting space, you find yourself building high and strong walls?

A precaution. A limit.

To avoid contacts, scared to be hurt again.
Because you once let down the walls of your heart, and find yourself crashing on the ground.

But that's the downfall of wanting to feel the thing you call love, right?
To risk the feeling of being hurt and vulnerable.
To be human.

To open up yourself.
In spite of pain. of harsh words and inevitable actions.

Just to feel how to love.. and be loved in return.

Silence

What do you get from silence?
Nothing.

What do you get from blank stares?
Nothing.

But really, does silence means there's silence?
Or the words are just tapped inside her lips,
waiting to be unleashed, waiting for release?

Does those void stares really blank..
or is it well masked and full of pretensions,
sifting through reactions, hiding emotions too well?

Why can't you just tell it?
Why can't you just be truthful about it?

The silence is eerie.
Awkward.
Deadly.

Don't you care enough to speak?

How can you not

How can you not be tired?

How can you not care?

How can you not know?

Are you trying to be blind?

Or just blinded by your perspectives?

Are you trying to be deaf?

Or your thoughts are just louder?

Are you trying to be numb?
Or you don't understand enough?

I can't understand a thing at all.

Trapped.
Confused.
Lost. 

Shortlived

That moment of happiness.

Fleeting.

Just like how a couple of seconds passed.

Just like how a bullet pierced through someone else's flesh.

Out of your grasp.

Out of your comprehension.

As if it didn't make a difference at all.

As if nothing happened.

Would I remember it later? Next week? Next month?

I doubt.

Bags you cannot carry

What do you call the bags you cannot carry?

The bags that weigh heavily under the lids of your eyes.
The bags you show underneath a smiling face.
The bags you hide underneath a beating heart.

Do you still want them?
Then why do you keep them?

Do you lock them away in your closet?
Behind the shadows?

If you can't carry it, why not leave it?
What's holding you back?

Put it down.

The day you lose

The day you lose is the day you start winning again.

You start rising against the currents that bring you down.

The road to anywhere you want to be is not easy.

But nobody said you couldn't make it.

Today may be not the day.

Failures may come your way..

But remember all beginnings unfold when you begin to lose.

Because you want to win again.

Heartbreaking.

How would you know if there is an existing wound 

when you can't see it?

How would you know how much it hurts

when you just felt it when somebody told you it hurts?

Through joys and tears.. Win or lose.. I bleed Blue.

Congrats, Ateneo. One Big Fight! :)

Dedicated to my thoughts

This blog is dedicated to my thoughts.

The thoughts that would kill.
The thoughts that could take away my sanity.

I want to lock them in here, in a space where it can't hurt.
Where it can catch the darkest thoughts and save me.

Every blank piece of paper, every space leads to escape.
Where thoughts could be freely expressed, no pretensions, no masks, no suppression.

I want the world to know what I feel. The thoughts that makes me blue.
The blue stuff the makes me think.

It seems like blue is already a part of me that I couldn't get away from.
It clings, pulls me down with it. And I need somewhere far, but too close where I can jot it all down.

*sigh*

Is it right to feed on emotions and dwell on them?
Because I do.